Schooled in Self-esteem

Self-esteem is one of the many purported benefits of martial arts training. So often is the term bandied around, it has become standard for almost every martial arts school pamphlet on the planet: the promise that joining up will ‘improve your self-esteem’.

Be mindful that anyone’s self-esteem can take a beating

Well, I certainly can’t deny that improved self-esteem is probably one of the most important benefits of martial arts practice. However, I think that we mostly focus on our own self-esteem when thinking about the subject, and not perhaps so much on how other peoples’ self-esteem (or lack thereof) can play a part in how they relate to us in everyday life.
A friend of mine recently made the interesting point that no-one’s self-esteem is on a continually upward trend or, for that matter, on a continually even keel. The truth of it is that our self-esteem, like everything else in life, rises and falls, dips and peaks, depending on how our lives are playing out at the time. Our health can improve or deteriorate, our relationships can improve or deteriorate, our finances can improve or deteriorate, our life enjoyment can improve or deteriorate. Everything is in a state of flux. Our self-esteem can be effected by all of these external and internal factors — and in turn can effect how we interact with others.
You may have a very good friend, for example, who normally when his or her self-esteem was in good shape would take the time to complement you on your new car, new house or new project you may be embarking on. That same friend though, if their self-esteem is temporarily in a ‘trough’, may not only fail to compliment you on your success, but may even feel envy or jealousy and view your success as some kind of reflection of their failure. The reason behind this is simple: when someone’s self-esteem is taking a pounding, they look for validation from external sources — namely, their friends and family. When their friends and family ‘fail’ or should I say, neglect, to give them that validation, they can perceive this as a mild attack, when objectively, it may be nothing of the kind.
When our own self-esteem is in good shape, life seems good. We may not be rich, but we are making headway with our finances; we not be the best martial artists, but we are making improvements and the learning is exciting and fun; we might not be in perfect physical shape, but we are getting a little better each week. When our self-esteem is in good shape, we compliment ourselves on our small achievements and we feel great about how our lives and training is going in general. Conversely, when our self-esteem has taken a beating (even an imagined or comparative one) then our small achievements go unrecognised and unrewarded. We can thus become over-competitive in an effort to bolster our flagging esteem and it can seem as though the world conspires against us. When our self-esteem is low, we often look to others — our peers, friends, students or family — to give us the leg-up we need. Sometimes we get that leg-up and sometimes we don’t. At such times, it’s worthwhile to remember that all lows are followed by highs. Stay on course and focus on the things you do well, even if they don’t seem as significant as they did last month, or last year. The real trick though, particularly for martial arts instructors, is to recognise when others are having minor self-esteem issues and give them the emotional lift they need to ride out the temporary slump.
So the moral of this brief article I guess, is that when other people, family, students or friends seem to over-react to some imagined indiscretion that you may or may not have committed, it may well be because their self-esteem has taken a few blows of late. So give them a little of what they need — validation — and you may well find that things will take a turn for the better.

John B Will is head of BJJ Australia and teaches Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, shootfighting and self-defence solutions around the world. To catch his regular blog, go to www.bjj-australia.blogspot.com